Parenting Matters

Temper Tantrums

Dear Rabbi Horowitz,

I have a question about our 10-year-old boy. He is the oldest of our six children, has a very strong-willed personality and is very energetic. He has a very hard time sitting in school all day (He is in school from 8:30 to 4:45). He comes home with homework and is frustrated to have sit down and do it.

He often has temper tantrums when he is asked to do his work. My husband says that he is lazy and self-centered. I agree, in part, but isn't this what all children are like? Don’t we have to teach them how to act properly?

Thanks

Rachel

Rabbi Horowitz Responds

Reading your question reminded me of an incident that took place some twelve years ago, when I was in a mini-van winding through the streets of Yerushalayim along with seventeen American school principals en route to meet with Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe zt’l. I got a frantic call on my cell phone from an Israeli kollel yungerman who asked me to provide him with a mental-health-professional referral for his son. It seemed that his six-year-old son was having full-blown temper tantrums nearly every evening when he arrived home from school, and his parents were naturally quite concerned.

My first question to this fellow was a request for some background information – how many children were in the family (the father sounded rather young and frazzled). When he informed me that this child was the eldest of five, I followed by asking him if he knew what brand of disposable diapers his children wore. When that question was met with silence, I attracted quite a bit of attention from my chaverim in the van, by politely but firmly suggested that he go to shalom bayis classes before sending his son to a therapist – as he clearly wasn’t shopping for their household or changing the diapers of their children. I informed him that my wife and I were blessed with four children in six years, and during that entire period of time I always changed the diapers of our children whenever I was home.

A temper tantrum is often a sign that a meltdown of sorts is occurring. Think of it as an emotional overload – similar to what happens when too many appliances are plugged into one outlet. This usually results in a blown fuse. Well, kids can’t blow fuses (or we don’t allow them to), so they respond by throwing a tantrum. I do not think that “lazy and self-centered” fit the symptoms that you are describing. Granted that your son may not want to do his homework, but there are other possibilities to consider. He also may be responding to his frustration at 1) not being able to do it, 2) not wanting to do any more work after eight or more hours in school, 3) not having a hobby, or 4) not getting the attention or tranquility that he desperately needs and deserves after a long school day.

It is always helpful to take a few steps back and look at the broader picture of your son’s life before admonishing him for his purported shortcomings. Rabbi Wolbe zt’l, at the meeting noted above, told our group of school heads that we should always view children as, “Klayne mentchen” (miniature adults), meaning that we should understand that kids have needs, wants, mood swings, etc. just as adults do. While we certainly need to teach them the life skills that will help them function in the complex and demanding world in which they live, forcing them repeatedly to do things they don’t want to do or browbeating them into silence usually backfires in many ways. (I strongly recommend Rabbi Wolbe’s classic sefer/book "Zeriah u'Binyan b’Chinuch – Planting and Building in Education." It is a masterpice – one that should be studied, not just read, in my opinion.)

I would also suggest that you contact your son’s principal and inquire how things are doing – academically and socally – in your son’s school life. It is quite possible that things are not in order there and that is contributing to your son’s stress level. You should also consider going to a mental-health professional for a few sessions to explore your parenting techniques and develop strategies for effectively reducing your child’s stress.

In closing, Rachel – and your husband: I strongly suggest that you step back and reflect on your family unit. Having dealt with children and their families for nearly thirty years, I have found that the symptoms that a child exhibits often mirror what is transpiring in his/her family unit. Thus, your son’s temper tantrum or meltdown may be a sign that your family is going through a meltdown of sorts. Having a few young children, especially close in age to each other, can be and usually is a great deal of nachas. It is also very, very stressful.

With that in mind, perhaps you ought to consider changing established routines in your lifestyle to lower the stress level in your home. Attending less simchos, going out with your husband alone one evening a week when the kids are sleeping, having your husband get more hands-on with raising the kids, even having him change his night seder to a morning shiur, all of these should be explored. And, I don’t know a more delicate way to say this, but if you are feeling very overwhelmed with the raising of your children, please, please set an appointment for you both to meet with your Rav as soon as possible to discuss your family’s situation, and seek his guidance and p’sak as for what is right for you at this time in your lives.

Children are a gift from Hashem who deserve and need our undivided attention and love. I have found over the years that when children don’t get enough of their parents’ energy and focus, they create the circumstances which practically force their parents to give it to them.

© 2010, Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, all rights reserved