Please enable JavaScript in your browser to experience all the custom features of our site.

RabbiHorowitz.com

Mr. Harry Skydell, Chairman
Mr. Mark Karasick, Vice Chairman
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, Director
Rabbi Avrohom M. Gluck, Director of Operations
The first 1000 members will have a chance to win a
16 GB
iPod
touch
with Rabbi Horowitz audio

Membership Benefits:

  • Save articles to your favorites folder.
  • Save and print selected articles in a PDF journal.
  • Receive emails containing the latest comments on your favorite articles.
  • Mark articles as "READ".
  • More member features coming soon...

Raffle Rules:

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. To enter, complete the signup form and join as a member. Incomplete entries will be disqualified. All entries shall become the property of CJFL. CJFL is not responsible for lost, misdirected or delayed entries.

The contest is open to the general public. Members need to be at least 18 years old. Identification must be produced on request. Employees of CJFL, its raffle sponsor, advertising and promotional agencies and their respective affiliates and associates and such employees' immediate family members and persons with whom such employees are domiciled are excluded from this raffle. ALL PREVIOUSLY REGISTERED MEMBERS WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY ENTERED INTO THIS RAFFLE. The prize is not redeemable in cash and must be accepted as awarded. Decisions of the raffle judges are final - no substitutions will be available. By claiming the prize, the winner authorizes the use, without additional compensation of his or her name and/or likeness (first initial and last name) and municipality of residence for promotion and/or advertising purposes in any manner and in any medium (including without limitation, radio broadcasts, newspapers and other publications and in television or film releases, slides, videotape, distribution over the internet and picture date storage) which CJFL may deem appropriate. In accepting the prize, the winner, acknowledges that CJFL may not be held liable for any loss, damages or injury associated with accepting or using this prize. CJFL retains the rights, in its absolute and sole discretion, to make substitutions of equivalent kind or approximate value in the event of the unavailability of any prize or component of the prize for any reason whatsoever. This contest is subject to all federal, provincial and municipal laws. CJFL reserves the right to withdraw or terminate this raffle at any time without prior notice. One entry per person.


Constructive Criticism; A Dish Best Served Warm
by Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

  Rated by 1 user   |   Viewed 10481 times since 4/27/10   |   1 Comment
Decrease Font Size Increase Font Size    [ Change Font Size ] Email This Article to a Friend
   

4/27/10

As parents we have a sacred obligation to be teachers and guides—morei derech—for our children. We are mandated by our Torah to teach them right from wrong, to train them how to conduct themselves, to show them “the light”.

CHARTING A PATH FOR YOUR CHILDREN

It is not in our children’s best interest—nor is it in our own best interest—to become their friends. That is, we should be friendly, but we do them no favor if we allow them to do as they please. At times, it is grueling being a parent and having to guide a child who doesn’t particularly want direction. It’s much easier in the short term to allow misdeeds to go unnoticed. But in the long term, you face an increased risk of raising unruly children whose moral compass may be underdeveloped.

It is of utmost importance to give clear guidelines and direction to your children. Setting limits for your children and establishing boundaries are crucial for the success of your children – at home and in school. Having a set of house rules and expectations for appropriate behavior, dress, and language are all critical parts of the ‘mission statement’ of any family (subjects which will be addressed in later columns).

And while it is true that our children will learn more from what we do than from what we say, guidance in the form of constructive criticism is an integral component of parenting.

Our challenge is to couch the criticism in a constructive way so that:

1) Our children internalize the important messages that we wish to convey to them, and

2) The end result is improvement and a desire to grow, not increased friction and tension that may harm our relationship with our beloved children.

A DISH SERVED WARM

Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetsky zt’l offered an insightful commentary on delivering proper tochacha (constructive criticism). He pointed out that in the initial encounter between Yaakov Avinu and the shepherds of Lavan, Yaakov addressed the shepherds as “My brothers”—““Achai; me’ayin atem, my brothers, from where do you come?”[i]

Rabbi Kaminetsky explained that Yaakov’s sense of honesty and integrity was offended by the fact that the shepherds had finished their workday early and were, in effect, being dishonest with their employer by cheating him out of a full day’s work. Yaakov wanted to rebuke them—and, in fact, did so later in the conversation—but decided to begin with words of brotherhood and friendship.

There is a famous expression, “revenge is a dish best served cold.” I’d like to paraphrase that and say that “criticism is a dish best served warm.”

If you have a message to give to deliver, make sure that the message is delivered calmly and, most importantly, with love. If you cannot do that, then wait until you can. If your child feels that you’re just venting your anger and you are disgusted with him or her, then no matter how articulate you are, what comes across instead is: “Mommy or Daddy doesn’t like me.”

FINDING THE RIGHT MOMENT

It’s very important that the message of tochachah does not get blurred by the static of anger. And, of course, this is very difficult to do when there’s a tumult and emotions are flying high. That is when it is best to delay saying anything.

One Friday morning, I got a phone call from a fellow whose son got suspended for a full week from an out-of-town yeshiva for a series of infractions. The boy was flying home for the week, and his father wanted to know what to say to his son when he picked him up at the airport.

I said, “I think you should tell him that you’re disappointed in what he did, but that you love him unconditionally, and that you’ll always be there for him.”

He was surprised. “That’s it?”

“You should also tell him that you’re terribly upset that this happened, but you want to make believe he came home for an unscheduled visit. And that you’ll discuss this important matter with him after Shabbos.”

“Nothing else, after what he did??!!,” the father asked me

So I told him, “Look, he’s expecting you to attack him as soon as he gets off that plane. He is going to be highly defensive and is not likely to listen to whatever you say. You are probably just going to get into a bitter argument with him. But if you say nothing now, he will be very relieved and grateful. And when you speak with him after Shabbos, you are going to have a much better chance of having a meaningful conversation with him, because he will be listening to you at that time. You will have a much better chance to make a positive impact when he is calm and grateful for your patience.”



[i] Bereshis 29:4



To sign up for Rabbi Horowitz’s weekly emails, please click here.


Reader's Comments:      Rating & Comments Policy      Rate & Write a Comment!
 Average Rating:              Rated by 1 user    (1 comment)
Subscribe to this Article
(by subscribing you will receive email notification
when new comments are posted)
There are no comments yet. Click above to write the first comment.
Dear Readers:

Please visit our Parenting Resource listing to learn about agencies and services that you can make use of. If you know of an agency that can be of assistance to others, kindly drop an email to our site administrator at admin@RabbiHorowitz.com and pass along the information to him.

I ask that you please consider supporting the work we are doing to improve the lives of our children. Click on these links to learn more about our teen and parent mentoring program that serves hundreds of teens and their families, or our KESHER program, now in 20 schools in 4 states. Your financial support can allow us to expand these services and help more children.

If you believe in the governing principles of this website – to help effect positive change through the candid discussions of the real issues we collectively face, please consider becoming a daily, weekly or monthly sponsor of this website and help defray the costs of it’s maintenance.



Working with Families and Educators on Behalf of our Children

This site is managed by The Center for Jewish Family Life, Inc., 56 Briarcliff Drive, Monsey, NY 10952
Project Y.E.S. was founded by Agudath Israel of America
The Center for Jewish Family Life/Project YES - 56 Briarcliff Drive, Monsey, NY 10952 (845) 352-7100 ext. 114 Fax: (845) 352-9593
email: email@kosherjewishparenting.com


Advertisements