Please enable JavaScript in your browser to experience all the custom features of our site.

RabbiHorowitz.com
Please Use Our New Website
still under constructions
to purchase safety books and educational materials
https://thebrightbeginnings.com

Mr. Harry Skydell, Chairman
Mr. Mark Karasick, Vice Chairman
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, Director
Rabbi Avrohom M. Gluck, Director of Operations
The first 1000 members will have a chance to win a
16 GB
iPod
touch
with Rabbi Horowitz audio

Membership Benefits:

  • Save articles to your favorites folder.
  • Save and print selected articles in a PDF journal.
  • Receive emails containing the latest comments on your favorite articles.
  • Mark articles as "READ".
  • More member features coming soon...

Raffle Rules:

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. To enter, complete the signup form and join as a member. Incomplete entries will be disqualified. All entries shall become the property of CJFL. CJFL is not responsible for lost, misdirected or delayed entries.

The contest is open to the general public. Members need to be at least 18 years old. Identification must be produced on request. Employees of CJFL, its raffle sponsor, advertising and promotional agencies and their respective affiliates and associates and such employees' immediate family members and persons with whom such employees are domiciled are excluded from this raffle. ALL PREVIOUSLY REGISTERED MEMBERS WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY ENTERED INTO THIS RAFFLE. The prize is not redeemable in cash and must be accepted as awarded. Decisions of the raffle judges are final - no substitutions will be available. By claiming the prize, the winner authorizes the use, without additional compensation of his or her name and/or likeness (first initial and last name) and municipality of residence for promotion and/or advertising purposes in any manner and in any medium (including without limitation, radio broadcasts, newspapers and other publications and in television or film releases, slides, videotape, distribution over the internet and picture date storage) which CJFL may deem appropriate. In accepting the prize, the winner, acknowledges that CJFL may not be held liable for any loss, damages or injury associated with accepting or using this prize. CJFL retains the rights, in its absolute and sole discretion, to make substitutions of equivalent kind or approximate value in the event of the unavailability of any prize or component of the prize for any reason whatsoever. This contest is subject to all federal, provincial and municipal laws. CJFL reserves the right to withdraw or terminate this raffle at any time without prior notice. One entry per person.


Rabbi Shmuel Gluck - Areivim - Subtle Weaknesses - Part 1
by Rabbi Shmuel Gluck

Not Rated Yet   |   Viewed 3371 times since 7/16/10   |   0 Comments
Decrease Font Size Increase Font Size    [ Change Font Size ] Email This Article to a Friend
   

7/16/10

Subtle Weaknesses – Part 1

People are frequently disappointed by the faults they find in those for whom they care. Parents become disappointed when their children don’t succeed. Spouses become disappointed with each other. In most cases they become accustomed to these faults even when they’re unexpected.

However, in some cases, they consider the fault so serious, that it causes the spouses to consider divorce. In these cases, the fault is generally minor, a weakness that, if found in a stranger, would be readily dismissed. It just means the spouses aren’t perfect. Some examples of these faults include: the way people laugh, their inability to be on time, and the reality that the spouse is only average and doesn’t excel in any particular area.

This last example is probably the most common and has ruined many otherwise healthy relationships. Parents and spouses can’t come to terms with “only average” when it’s found in those that they love. For some, average means they have few strengths and weaknesses; for others, average means a mixture of many strengths and weaknesses. Why should people become upset with loving ”only average” individuals? Aren’t most people average, hence the term average?

Before individuals become disappointed in those they love, they should consider the following four points:

1) Who’s really to blame for the issue that’s bothering the other spouse/parent/child? Maybe, they placed too high a standard on the other one? The answer frequently must be brought to a third, objective party, to decide.

For instance, many parents set, what they believe to be, realistic standards for their children. However, the reality is that those standards are slanted, meant to compensate for their own shortcomings. Is it fair to demand that boys become Talmedai Chachomim when the father (whose own father may have wanted the same thing) failed? Compensating for one’s youthful mistakes through one’s children may be nice but, demanding it, is unrealistic and unfair.

Can husbands expect their wives to work in order to compensate for their inability to properly support their families? Although their wives’ work may be helpful, it may still be self serving and unrealistic. Being disappointed in a wife because of her unwillingness, or inability, to work, is not only damaging, it’s also unfair to the wife.

2) This next point took me years to appreciate. Two conditions must be met for one to legitimately criticize others. a) One person definitely did something wrong to the other. b) The one who is being critical is above “such” behavior and never makes mistakes, falls short, or fails.

The second requires an explanation. Many people ask me about why their spouses did something to bother them. They can’t believe that their spouses would do such a thing. I try to explain to them that, although it may be true that the complaining spouse would never do that same thing, they would do other unrelated things that are equally wrong.

Even after repeated requests to be more careful, a wife may continue to haphazardly put away her husband’s Seforim. The husband tells me that he always puts his wife’s things away in an orderly fashion. It’s his strong respect for her belongings that doesn’t allow him to understand how she can’t reciprocate by treating his belongings with more respect. Although in this case, she may truly be at fault, nevertheless, there are other areas in which she shows a stronger respect for him than he shows for her. For example, she’ll never speak to him in a demeaning tone, privately or publicly, while he talks “down” to her whenever they’re in public.

The husband may respond to my challenging him when he says that he wouldn’t act as his wife, in one of three ways: He may tell me why he has a right to treat her in the manner that he does. (“She doesn’t deserve to be treated with respect”.) He may tell me that I’m changing the topic. (“I’m talking about putting Seforim away and you talk about unrelated incidents”.) He may create a diversion (“I can’t talk about this anymore because you just don’t understand“.)

Many husbands can’t imagine why I don’t appreciate any of these responses, because people embrace whatever logic is needed to allow them to continue their behaviors. In this case the husband wants to be legitimatized in his criticism of his wife. What the husband refuses to acknowledge is that he also has weaknesses. Even if the weaknesses are unrelated to the one being discussed, the fact that they exist should be enough to temper any disappointment in the other person. An absence of tolerance in others is a statement that they also expect zero tolerance from the others.

This second point becomes more damaging when the disappointed spouses or parents don’t have healthy levels of self esteem. In addition to being unforgiving, they exaggerate the faults of the others. This allows them to lessen the bad feelings they associate with their own weaknesses.

The husbands believe that returning Seforim to the wrong place is a more severe offense than publicly mistreating their spouses. (They don’t even think that it may be their job to return their own Seforim.) Their inability to control their own behavior, or to admit to such an inability, causes them to be critical of others.



To be continued....



For more information about Areivim please contact us by phone at 845-371-2760 or by e-mail at Areivim@juno.com



To sign up for Rabbi Horowitz’s weekly emails, please click here.


Reader's Comments:      Rating & Comments Policy      Rate & Write a Comment!
 Average Rating:       Not Rated Yet
Subscribe to this Article
(by subscribing you will receive email notification
when new comments are posted)
There are no comments yet. Click above to write the first comment.
Dear Readers:

Please visit our Parenting Resource listing to learn about agencies and services that you can make use of. If you know of an agency that can be of assistance to others, kindly drop an email to our site administrator at admin@RabbiHorowitz.com and pass along the information to him.

I ask that you please consider supporting the work we are doing to improve the lives of our children. Click on these links to learn more about our teen and parent mentoring program that serves hundreds of teens and their families, or our KESHER program, now in 20 schools in 4 states. Your financial support can allow us to expand these services and help more children.

If you believe in the governing principles of this website – to help effect positive change through the candid discussions of the real issues we collectively face, please consider becoming a daily, weekly or monthly sponsor of this website and help defray the costs of it’s maintenance.



Working with Families and Educators on Behalf of our Children

This site is managed by The Center for Jewish Family Life, Inc., 56 Briarcliff Drive, Monsey, NY 10952
Project Y.E.S. was founded by Agudath Israel of America
The Center for Jewish Family Life/Project YES - 56 Briarcliff Drive, Monsey, NY 10952 (845) 352-7100 ext. 114 Fax: (845) 352-9593
email: email@kosherjewishparenting.com


Advertisements