Education and “Saying Something”
A sure-fire way to gauge in which generation you were raised would be to finish this sentence: "Where were you when ....?"
Baby boomers would say, "When President Kennedy was shot?" thirty-something's would respond, "When the space shuttle exploded?" and today's teenagers will reply, "On 9/11?"
These were shocking, transformational moments that are etched in our mind’s eye forever. We remember where we were standing when we heard the news and recall the sinking feeling in the pits of our stomachs as we thought that this just can't be happening.
Members of our community had our 9/11 moment last week when we heard that Leiby Kletsky a”h was allegedly murdered by one of our own. As was the case on 9/11, people of all stripes banded together to search and later to mourn for that precious neshama.
In the aftermath of 9/11, a paradigm shift occurred in our thinking about security. No longer would people saunter onto an airplane or enter a NYC tunnel without passing through the watchful eye of law enforcement personnel and fellow citizens alike. The ubiquitous, “If you see something, say something,” ads have been extraordinarily effective in training people to be more vigilant, and to report suspicious activity to the authorities.
It is of utmost importance that members of our community engage in a similar shift in thinking – and acting – in the aftermath of our 9/11, in the arena of the safety and security of our children. The two areas that demand our urgent attention are the education of our children regarding their personal space and safety and the critical need to immediately report all predators to the authorities.
Education is extraordinarily effective in training children and preventing abuse. Research shows conclusively that children who were spoken to about their personal space were more than six times as likely to take defensive action when approached by a predator. And all of these messages can be delivered in a perfectly modest manner appropriate for the most charedi homes.
As of this moment, Leiby's abduction seems to have been random in nature, and many parents in our community are limiting their discussions with their children to not taking rides from strangers. This is a grave and dangerous error. You ought to use this opportunity to provide each of your children from the youngest ages with a comprehensive, research-based model of child safety training.
Why? Because even if this is the case with Leiby, that would be an exception to the rule. The vast majority of predators are well-known to the victims and are often relatives or friends of the family.
Comprehensive child safety education includes the following components:
1) The notion of private space – your body belongs to you. Worded differently, get them to think of their own bodies like they would a snack of theirs – something that is exclusively theirs.
2.) Good touching/bad touching – One way of expressing this is to say that no one is allowed to touch you in a spot covered by a bathing suit.
3.) No one may tell you to keep secrets from your parents – as predators naturally want to drive a wedge between the child and his/her parents.
4.) If someone is making you uncomfortable, you have the right to say no – as many victims of abuse felt that they had no choice but to listen to the adult or older predator.
(Please note that these few lines do not do justice to a complex subject. Project YES conducted a series of workshops in the month of June to train parents in speaking to kids about personal space and abuse prevention. You can view the 33-minute video of one such presentation at http://vimeo.com/25322132 )
On a communal level, we urgently need to adopt and publicize a firm policy that predators need to be reported to the authorities.
Contacting someone like me when your child was molested is analogous to informing me that you saw someone carrying a suicide vest and suspect an imminent terror attack. I have no training in the counter-terrorism field, zero enforcement capability and a day job that precludes me from devoting the 24/7 attention to the case that it deserves and needs.
A predator is a rodef and every bit as dangerous as the guy with the suicide vest. Worse, in fact, because he can keep exploding young lives again and again until he is arrested and locked up.
Finally, there is one more similarity between our tragedy and that of 9/11 – that there were warnings, reports, and similar incidents, albeit on a smaller scale, which were not given the attention they deserved.
Many members of our community were lulled into a false sense of security and were not preparing our children with the types of safety training that perhaps could have helped Leiby refuse to enter a car with a stranger.
We cannot turn the clock back, and all the justifiable recriminations in the world will not bring Leiby back. However, the many abuse survivors in our community who have been misunderstood and even shunned are watching carefully for signs that this terrible tragedy will provide us with the resolve and steely determination to provide our children with a safe and secure future.
Lma'an Hashem, please let's finally make it happen.
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