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Helping Your At-Risk Teen Get Back on Track "A"
by Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Publication:

Chicago Community Kollel

Rated by 14 users | Viewed 4977 times since 2/15/07 | 19 Comments

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2/15/07

Dear Rabbi Horowitz:

You mentioned in your previous column that, “Your primary responsibility is to provide for the needs (and wants) of your children." Do you feel that this applies to grown children as well? When a child is over 20 and capable of earning a few hundred dollars a month, but it will take up much of his spare time, should the parents still be expected to fund the "wants"?

Our at-risk son is resentful because we aren't funding his wants. He is clothed, fed, and has all his medical needs taken care of. If he needs to see a doctor, my wife or I drop everything and run for him. He drops off his dry cleaning and gets it back all nice and paid for. But there are some things I just won't fund. (And I can't.) In the two years he was in Israel, we spent more than we can afford on his schooling, planes, health insurance, and monthly spending stipend of $120 – plus $50 towards his phone. (We are in debt about $10,000 right now.)

He feels resentful that we aren't paying for his wants and therefore he must spend leisure time to work to provide for his other leisure time. (He's said hurtful things such as why did you have me if weren't going to pay for me?) Therefore when he does come home for Shabbos, he will hardly lift a finger to help in the house.

I think that since we are broke, we should let him grow up and learn some restraint. Perhaps I should just tell him to drop the program he's in and work full time and do night school. But in the meantime, I also think he is wrong not to offer assistance when he is home.

Y'lamdeinu Rabbeinu...

(Question edited slightly. Click here for full text. Y.H.)

Rabbi Horowitz Responds

I know that the thrust of your question was about your financial obligation to your at-risk teen son, but I strongly feel that you would be best served by taking a step back and addressing the broader question of how to best assist your son regain his footing and get back on the road to a productive life. From what I read between the lines of your question, it seems like your relationship is rather strained with him at this point in your lives. I respectfully suggest that you consider working on understanding your son before dealing with the X’s and O’s of the monetary matters. (I will address the financial question in next week’s column.)

Imagine that you went for a walk one winter morning and found your neighbor sitting in his car vigorously turning the steering wheel of his car – while the engine is shut off. When you ask him why he doesn’t start the car, he responds to you that his battery died, and he will soon get jumper cables to ‘give it a boost’. However, before he does that, he would like to turn the front wheels away from the curb so that once the car is started, he will instantly be able to pull out of the parking space and get to work.

I think that this analogy sheds some light into my overall line of thinking regarding assisting at-risk teens. Very often, and understandably so, parents would like to start helping their kids by addressing the antisocial behavior (ex. drug/alcohol abuse) or the rejection of Torah values (ex. not keeping Shabbos). I have found, however, that the most effective thing that parents can do to really help their child is to assist him/her in getting their lives in order. Once that is accomplished, it is far, far easier to help with the other matters.

You see, as long as your teen is unhappy and/or unproductive, it is as if his/her life is on hold – as the vehicle of his/her life is stalled. The ‘power steering’ that enables positive change to occur and a sense of spirituality to develop can only kick in when the engine of accomplishment is turned on. You can exert a great deal of force turning the wheel while the engine is off, but you will be draining your energy, shredding the tires and digging trenches in your driveway while this is going on. It is much wiser to work on helping him/her achieve success first. The rest will follow, with the help of Hashem.

I often tell parents of at-risk teens to follow the sage advice of the Kotzker Rebbe (Reb Menachem Mendel of Kotzk, 1787-1859) who noted that the Torah informs us (Shmos 22:30) "V'anshei kodesh te'heyu li – people of holiness shall you be to Me.” The rebbi pointed out that the Torah places the word anshei before kodesh, in effect telling us to be a ‘mentch’ before attempting to achieve spirituality (his exact works in Yiddish were, “kodem a mench un nach dem heilig – first [become] a [refined] mench, [and only then [strive to become more] holy).

While the rebbi did not express these thoughts in terms of at-risk teens, I feel that this though represents by far the most effective way for parents to chart a course for the lives of their at-risk kids. Help them become ‘mentchen’ – functioning, productive young adults who have a reason to wake up in the morning, who feel that each day is a gift that ought to be unwrapped as the treasure that it is – before you work on the at-risk symptoms. For once they become happier and more productive, you will find it so much easier to ‘turn the wheel.’ (Here is a link to an open letter that I wrote to yeshiva bachurim a few years ago about planning for their lives. The Plan. I hope that you – and he – find it helpful.)

In a very practical sense, it means to help him/her get a GED, or better yet help resume schooling in a mainstream setting. Send him/her for career counseling and get him/her a job. Tell your child that you are in this together and you will always love him/her forever (you may get a roll of the eyes, but I can assure you that your child will be forever grateful for this). Get your child into therapy if there are ‘issues’ that need to be resolved. Show leadership and express your love for your child by going for counseling yourself to help you effectively parent your child through this challenging stage in his/her life.

Please print this line and affix it to your desk or refrigerator. It is one of my favorites and I tell it to parents every time that I conduct a class on parenting at-risk teens. “No One Ever Changed the Oil in a Rented Car.” That means that the more ownership your teen feels in his/her life, the more likely he/she will be to avoid reckless and life-threatening behaviors. Giving them the keys to their lives will give them the ‘boost’ they need.

I would also suggest that you carefully study the theory of Abraham Maslow on “The Hierarchy of Needs.” He suggests that there are five sequential ‘needs’ aligned like a pyramid. Once the more primitive needs are met (safety, security, belonging), a person can begin to work on achieving success (self-actualizing). As with all theories, you need not agree with it in its entirety (I don’t), but there are profound lessons to be learned from his thoughts.

I will close this column with a final thought and plea. Please, please ignore your neighbors and societal pressure and l’maan Hashem do what is right for your child. I have seen far too many children sacrificed on the altar of “what will the neighbors say?” Keep your eye on doing what is right for your child. That’s all that really matters.

Here are some links to columns that I’ve written on the subject of raising teens. I hope you find them helpful. YH.

On Tweens -- scroll down for a letter from a teen to her parents

An article on teens -- with links to others.

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Related Articles:

Should Teenagers Contribute to Their Expenses?

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1. don't link funding and helping 2/17/07 - 5:08 PM
Nechama - Israel

It's a shame from your child's perspective that you have decided not to fund his phone bill anymore. I presume that this will help him grow up, especially if you are pleasant and firm about it at the same time.

If you want to show you care about him, you might like to continue funding one of his wants, instead of cutting off all "extras" funding at the same time. Or you may like to give him some pocket money, especially if he will then be thrifty and turn his attention to useful endeavours like doing well at college. This is for you to decide.

If he refuses to help, he may be trying to show you how upset he is. I would try not to force him. Children "should" help, and they honestly feel bad when they don't. But often they refuse to help. I personally would prefer the consequences approach. "Sorry there's no dessert today kids. I just didn't manage it, being that I'm doing all the work, with only a little help from the two youngest. Perhaps next week". In this way, the child suffers, but also sees it's a consequence of his not helping and not the adult trying to get back at him. Obviously the tone of voice has to be appropriate too, apologetic and not exultant.

Another reason kids don't help is because they think you'll never stop with your requests. If the help is predetermined and timetabled, this helps some kids. This is particularly so, if you consult them at the planning stage: "I'm working out what everyone's Friday job is going to be. What do you want to do? So and so is sorting the week's socks, and this other child is putting away the groceries. So pick something else." Remember though that some kids like verbal reminders and hate to see it written, while others love to see it written and hate when you tell them about it. Still other children are forgetful, so they need to agree with you if and how they would like you to remind them. So try to do what works for you and your child

Hope this helps - say a perek tehillim

Nechama

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2. 2/19/07 - 8:51 PM
SephardiLady - orthonomics@gmail.com

Dear Rabbi Horowitz,

Thank you for allowing me to post a response to a topic that I am passionate about. Incidentally, only recently I was discussing the subject of having adult and nearly adult children cover some of their expenses with a client of mine who faces some major debts of his own (so you are not alone). In addition, I highly recommend the book "Money Still Doesn't Grow on Trees" to parents of teens and pre-teens. Here would be my response to the father: ---------- Dear Father of 20 Year Old,

I am sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing with your 20 year old son, and am even sadder to think about the challenges that he will face if the status quo continues, where all of his needs are taken care of and he is free to spend his money and his leisure time in pursuit of entertainment and consumer goods.

When we allow our children to live in a fantasy world regarding finances where all earnings are for spending as they please and a budget does not have to be adhered to, we do them a tremendous disservice, both materially and spiritually.

Eventually, our children will marry and start families of their own, and they will enter the “real world,” where money does not flow freely, where needs must be met before wants, and where whatever is leftover is often seriously limited. To allow them to spend their present earnings frivolously within a culture of consumerism, is sure to backfire in the future when they cannot support themselves at the level they have become accustomed to, often leaving them with a great deal of disappointment.

So long as a child is earning money of their own, but they are being supported by their parents, it is not only appropriate for the parents to exercise some type of control over their children’s earnings, but is in fact a kindness. When we teach our children to save for their future, delay gratification, and prioritize their needs and wants, we give them ownership in their life and provide them with the keys to become responsible for the future.

I am hesitant to present a formula for how the earnings that children which you are supporting should be divided up, for fear that the underlying principles will get lost in technicalities. Therefore, I would rather stop at this point and ask you to evaluate the status quo to determine if it is hindering your son’s growth.

If you agree with me that the status quo is hindering, I would suggest that you hammer out a plan to get your son’s spending habits on a different track through creating a budget that more clearly mirrors reality. His budget needs to be divided appropriately between living costs, spending money, savings, and tzedakah. He should be contributing to his college education or to another type of savings account for the future. He should be providing for most of his necessities (you probably will want to continue taking care of his health insurance until a later date when his budget is in order). And, I can almost guarantee you that after he is taking care of his present necessities and investing in his future that he will find the motivation he needs to work the extra hours for the spending money that he wants.

I’m sure if you institute a solid plan, you will see a more responsible young man emerge. May you have only nachas.

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3. not a good connection 2/23/07 - 10:35 AM
Anonymous

Hashem should help us all with our children. I feel that being that kids at risk are guilt ridden they will do anything to place the guilt on their parents. Very wealthy families that give all to there at risk teens are also yelled at as the blame, by their children. they are very keen in having their parents feel guilty in stead of them. Rabbi Horowits, your advice on these issues sounds sage, yet is highly impractical. Boruch Hashem we can tell that you never had a child at risk. have a good shabbos

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4. 2/25/07 - 9:55 AM
Anonymous

good closing yeshivasociety.blogspot.com

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5. To fund or not to fund 2/16/09 - 2:08 PM
Benzion Twerski

I actually sympathize with the withdrawal of funding for all the extras. Kids really don’t need them, and they only supplant what should be otherwise “meaning” in life. This is strengthened by the fact that the parents have put themselves into debt doing this until now. The issue I take is about the method.

One of the issues that keeps the at-risk teens stuck is their opposition to authority. In this question, it sounds like this is a central issue. It also seems that the parents took the road of “consequences” as a teaching tool. “We will not fund your wants because you are leading a lifestyle that we reject.” The trouble with this is that it simply engages the teen in yet another conflict. This reinforces the oppositional stance he has chosen. The approach needs to be drastically different is we are to expect anything but the past behavior patterns. “If you keep doing what you always did, you’ll keep getting what you always got.”

Before advancing some suggestions and ideas, I want to expand the “consequence” comment. It was the behaviorist movement in psychology that emphasized the concept of learning from consequences. Behavior that is rewarded will recur. Unrewarded behavior will not be repeated. Punishment will inhibit behavior. Skinner and others subjected these principles to research, and provided much detailed understanding to these concepts. As parents and mechanchim, we seem to be preoccupied with providing reward and punishment. In the case of chinuch, the focus on punishment or “negative consequences” is so extreme as to be labeled delusional. I cannot even recount the numerous discussions I have had with menahalim and mechanchim who could not justify the levying of certain “negative consequences” as educational or effective – only to be justified by statements such as, “What else is there to do?” If we think critically about this consequential preoccupation, we can find several rationales, except that these are notoriously fruitless.

The bottom line is that engaging in any approach that is conflictual and oppositional, we only perpetuate the rebelliousness. Aside from that, there are plenty of expenses that parents should better not fund. It is not the “what” but the “how”.

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6. thank you rabbi twersky 2/16/09 - 3:03 PM
Anonymous

Once again Rabbi Twersky brings some basic good advice to this forum. Could we some how get him to write the origonl piece, and get this other non practicle self promoting peson off.

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7. Dear Rabbi Twerskie 2/16/09 - 8:45 PM
Efraim - Flatbush

Dear Rabbi Twerskie,

I just wanted to tell you that you are a most wonderful man. Your ideas and your opinions are so very refreshing. We as a community are fortunate to have you in our midst. Know that your writing has an impact. Your words give people hope. It is more peole like you that our community so desperately need.

Will you marry me Rabbi? Do you mind that I call you Bentzi?

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8. Trust 2/17/09 - 3:14 AM
Ak

Hi, Behaviorism might help in the short run , but detracts from the internalization and integration of values , the kid believing that his actions are self determined and an expression of his total being and not just ' introjecting' , swallowing whole his parents values.

the kid does seem to suffer from entitlement issues , that the world, his parents owe him everything. Imho it would take working with a third party , facilitating discussion between you and him to make progress. There is too much emotional baggage between the parent and kid.

As far as helping in the home , I would say that I would appreciate a bit of a hand , but if you have more important things to do or you would rather relax and unwind , it's OK with me . By doing this , you are first making his helping in the home a non-issue and your stepping back will allow him to come forward in an autonomous way and engage in prosocial behavior. One's avoids resentment about help around the home , if you say if I want my home clean , it is my responsibility , it can be very liberating and allow you to be more creative in enlisting help . Your kid is not ready , not at the place where he can help in the home.

The CPS - collaborative problem solving model is a useful tool . The first step is empathy , validating the kids feelings , helping him put his CONCERNS on the table - his need to be able to contact people and communicate etc , then you can put your concerns on the table , helping him take your perspective - your financial situation , concerns for him becoming more responsible for his life , transitioning into adulthood. Then try to define the problem and invite him to problem solving , addressing both concerns , trying to find mutually satisfying solutions. When one addresses concerns first and make the kid feel understood and respected , rather than using the carrot or strict, or even negotiating = dueling of solutions , there is a better chance that he will come around to take your perspective and yet feel that his needs are being met. He needs to ask himself and reflect on what type of person do I want to become , what are my values and hopes and how I can meet them. A sense of entitlement would get in the way

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9. 12/25/09 - 7:34 AM
Anonymous

I grew up in a family where one of my older sisters was "at risk". We always resented the fact that she was treated with silk gloves. We also hardly had any school friends since their parents didn't want them to get influenced by such a rebellious teenager. Over time we came to realize that the worse you were the more you got. I personally think it sent a bad message to the rest of the family, and perhaps if she would have been told to pack her bags and go we would have all had an easier upbringing.

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10. to Anon # 9 12/28/09 - 3:25 PM
Anonymous

Maybe it was only your perception that your sibling was treated with silk gloves when in fact your parents were terrified that whatever they did or whatever they said would make it worse or bring about worse behavior, cause your sibling to run off, cause chaos in the home, etc.

Maybe in fact they were being too careful to keep in the peace in the home so it would have less of an effect on the rest of you and/or that your parents could have been in so much pain from what your sibling was doing that they just couldn't cope with it rather than deal with it.

Maybe if you could look at that time in your life and that situation through a "different set of eyes, or a perspective of understanding more after you read some postings of parents or of children in the parsha", you can see things differently today than when you were growing up. You can't change what happened but maybe it would change how you feel about your resentment towards your parents and your sibling.

For instance do you know why your sibling went through what he/she did? What happened in his/her life to bring about the change? What was the hurt or issue? Why the change in your sibling and so on. Now that you are an adult, maybe you can think about that before you judge your sibling and resent him/her.

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11. 10 12/28/09 - 11:43 PM
Anonymous

I disagree with your message to #9. Growing up with a special needs sibling of ANY sort--and an at-risk teen is but one example--places tremendous pressures on a developing child and affects one's entire childhood in countless ways. Maturity may indeed open new perspectives for viewing different scenarios, parental decisions and behaviors, and family relationship dynamics with greater sensitivity and understanding of the complexities involved. It will never, however, alter the painful perspective experienced at the time, as a vulnerable child whose frustrations and resentments were inadequately addressed in the moment. This experience was painful, and no amount of adult wisdom and hindsight can wipe that away or erase the lifelong scars. The rejection of friends, second-tier treatment by parents--these are terrible things for a growing child to experience; the most excusable of reasons matter very little at the time. The wounds are real and they cause searing pain, regardless of how many years elapse.

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12. anon # 10 12/29/09 - 11:00 AM
Anonymous

The poster never said they had second tier treatment. Just that the sibling was treated with silk gloves and they resented it. Please don't jump the gun.

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13. #12 12/29/09 - 6:54 PM
Anonymous

"Over time we came to realize that the worse you were the more you got." This, to me, implied that the better you were, the less you got--a 2nd tier, less prefered treatment in my book. This doesnt mean the parents treated the 'normal' siblings in a neglectful, unjustified way. It doesnt mean the parents did anything objectively wrong! It just means the poster's subjective experience was one of disadvantage as compared to the more needy sibling.

By the way, this experience is common to children who grow up with siblings who are not well or have any number of disabilities and special needs. The parents can parent to the best of their ability and bend over backwards in attempt to even out the inbalance of attention and energy which is justifiably directed to a more needy child. Despite their best efforts, however, the situation generates resentments and frustrations in even the most sensitive of siblings. Often these feelings are accompanied by guilt, and sometimes they are totally denied only to surface in later years within the context of adult sibling relationships.

You seem to be defending the parents' position, but i am not criticizing them! The situation is a tough one--this is not about judging who is right and who is wrong; it is about understanding the complexity of feelings, experiences, and perspectives within a very challenging predicament. The reality is that everyone involved becomes whom they are as a result of how they experienced things, so the feelings need to be worked through without judgement and condemnation.

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14. #13 Anon 12/31/09 - 6:04 PM
Anonymous

I am not defending anyone's position. I am simply pointing out that what we perceive as children or even as adults as we are in the middle of the situation may and most likely can look different when we take another look from a different point of view when we get a little older, have a little more life experience or are removed from the situation.

When we are in the first perspective everything is internalized as a personal hurt and/or insult. When we look at it from another perspective we may realize that an objective view brings us a totally different understanding of the situation. We may then realize that there is no one to blame and no one to resent, that it is just a difficult situation where everyone was doing the best they could do at the time. We also realize that we are lucky and grateful not to be in the other person's shoes no matter how much special treatment we perceived them to have.

Everyone handles pain in different ways, some depress and some act out. Some rebel against their family, friends and the rest of the world. Some are rebelling against themselves, trying to hurt themselves and wind up hurting everyone around them. It is a frustrating and painful situation for all involved and very hard to understand when you are one of the players involved especially a very young one.

The saying "time heals" doesn't really apply, but time that passes that allows some growth and maturity helps one to rethink, review and re-evaluate what was or what they thought was going on.

That's it. I am not debating who was or is right or wrong. There is no right or wrong here.

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15. love is free 1/16/10 - 5:00 PM
ben

Ideally, a child's feeling uncondionally loved, shouldn't be dependent on financial situations.

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16. Comment No. 6 1/18/10 - 1:02 PM
Anonymous

I agree with Commenter No. 6, but would restate his opinion with Derech Eretz (respectfully)as follows:

As Rabbi Dr. Twerski is a leading Torah-oriented psychologist and is very generous -- here and elsewhere -- with helping others, I would ask him to write the essays and manage this Web site.

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17. Hierarchy of Needs 1/21/10 - 5:23 AM
Dov

I completely endorse your excellent advice, based on the issues with one of my children. As soon as we stopped getting at her for not being as frum as we liked and the more we came to help her with the right Sem and more flexible hashgofa for her, the more on track and clear she has become. We have tried to apply the same approach to her younger sibling before any obvious signs of distress have appeared. Only time and Hashems guidance will show us how successful we have been. But its worth noting that our relationship with our older child is much happier and more loving than it had been a couple of years ago.

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